We sure are kicking some Somali pirate ass

Julian, wrote:

Somali Pirates

It seems we can't mistype the channel number for Style or E! and accidently turn on CNN Headline News – Bloomberg for poor people – without hearing something about these wild Somali Pirates. Now, be careful, because we said "Pirates"… the first time I saw it in print I thought it said Somali Pilates too, and I was excited because my abs could definitely use a new version of Pilates; Windsor is so two summers ago. Muscle memory!

So, somewhere called Somalia has modern-day privateers running around on their boats, getting tan, and stealing shipments of Zanzibar slacks being shipped to poor kids. This would seem like the snoozer story of the century, because no one I know lives in Somalia, they don't even have an established fashion week in Mogadishu yet! But here's why we would should care: because they're giving boat owners a bad name, and that will spill over to yacht owners, and we do not deserve the bad publicity. A docksider scorned is a docksider denied!

Who's to blame for this rise in seafaring criminality? Look no further than Julian's Somalia mainstays Johnny Depp and the Decemberists. Johnny Depp, as we all know, brought a resurgency to pirates with his Pirates of the Carribbean series, and was single-handedly responsible for the Pirate Chic fashion movement of 2004 that planted the seed for the Hermes scarve trend of 2008, made most famous by The Jonas Brothers who have been pirating jailbait booty (pun intended!) for the last 18 months. Then the Decemberists came along and gave hipster cultural cred to the pirate movement with their indie-prog sea shanties.

In other words, we're all to blame because we should've seen this coming sooner. There has been a pro-Pirate sentiment for the last five years, and we can all look no futher than our undersized Marc by Marc shirts with skull and crossbones. But, there's no point in pointing fingers, we need to be solutions oriented, as we always are here in JS, and fortunately, fair reader, we've got a plan.

What we need to do is start a media blitz explaining two things: (1) that our yachts are not the same as boats, and (2) that facial hair is so middle class. First, we need to inform the public that those of us who travel the sea on a yacht are a superior class of people than pirates or fishermen or waterskiiers who use regular boats. Do pirate ships have a staff of servants and a walk-in humidor? I think not, and the sooner poor people understand that, the sooner they'll stop blaming us for this piracy nonsense. And secondly, we need to make clear that pirates have facial hair, and we do not, because that's some American University-grade "ugh" right there!

So, my Julian's Somali's, we will get through this Somali Pirate crazy soon enough. Its just sad that among all the seizing of ships, stealing of goods, ransoms and kidnappings that quality people such as us can get caught in the crossfire, but apparently we can. Life isn't fair, but it should be more fair to us. So, get out there on your pleasure craft and party it up wild. Remember, if we stay at port, the pirates win. Anchors away… although you might want to stay away from Somalia, wherever that is.

Julian's Somalia Rank: 2.3

Julian, wrote:
Somali Pirates