Parenting issues

Is it my partner's fault if she herself says she's willing to go "out of a sense of wanting me to be happy?" I mean, it's 90% her fault the kid is so spoiled, but isn't the blame to be laid in the kid in this instance? As kids get older, more of the blame slides off the parent onto the aging child but what particular percentage you put on each in this case, IDK.

I mean, how much can you do to "make" your kid do something that isn't in their own selfish best interest? I think you definitely have to do some. Part of living in a society is doing things not immediately in your own self interest. Part of functioning in the workforce is doing things you do not want to do. I am a huge advocate of children's rights and think we will soon be in a society that looks back on a time where we remove agency from 17 year olds under the guise they're "minors" as monstrous, but the idea a kid needs to go see their grandparent annually on their birthday is such a small ask.

That said, when i was a kid, there was not question on something like this. You did as your parents said, and you shut up about it. I think that's too far. There needs to be some balance.

Space wrote:
wiped her ass until she was 10

Wait. What?

Julian, wrote:


That said, when i was a kid, there was not question on something like this. You did as your parents said, and you shut up about it. I think that's too far. There needs to be some balance.

I didn't mean to imply that I agreed with that philosophy, just that it's hard dealing with a situation where the pendulum is in this case so much different than than what i grew up with. I agree with the need for balance.

In fairness (to my daughter), my mom is not someone who has done a great job of reaching out to her grandchild. She's one of those old people who is kind of in her own little world. There's probably reasons for that and i can understand, but it might be something a teen doesn't care to grasp. That said, I think we, as the enlightened, educated, responsible ones, should reach out to grandma on her birthday.

Sounds like maybe you guys have spent way too much time with each other over the past year (I'd say this is common in most families) and you could use a little break.

I say leave the wet blankets at home and go on a solo space mission to upstate NY and stop at Suarez on the way.

Yada wrote:
Sounds like maybe you guys have spent way too much time with each other over the past year (I'd say this is common in most families) and you could use a little break.

I say leave the wet blankets at home and go on a solo space mission to upstate NY and stop at Suarez on the way.

Yes, probably too much time together.

However, I have visited twice solo already (my brother lives near my mom, and he's the one we actually stay with.) during the pandemic. They refused to go both of those times, though honestly I was relieved to go by myself. This would be the third straight trip alone. It would be more fun for sure, but I feel like I owe it to my mom to do something nice for her.

Suarez isn't on the way to Ithaca, but there are some decent beer stops if I'm in the mood.

talk about parenting issues…

https://nypost.com/2021/04/06/some-of-dmxs-15-kids-among-hospital-visitors-with-dad-in-icu/

Julian, wrote:
That said, when i was a kid, there was not question on something like this. You did as your parents said, and you shut up about it. I think that's too far. There needs to be some balance.

I think you can have "balance" and still insist that her attendance is non-negotiable for certain events. It's game for discussion, but 100% happening.

I also hope the wiping-the-ass thing isn't exactly true. 

Seeing the grandparents was always potentially uncomfortable but your parents just made you do it.. I hated seeing my grandfather when I was 8-9 but the next year he was dead so now am glad


Edited out

it’s been a tough year for everybody..everyone is going through shit so don’t be too hard on yourself and just push forward best you can


I wish my dad cared about seeing his grandkids at all

hutch wrote:
it’s been a tough year for everybody..everyone is going through shit so don’t be too hard on yourself and just push forward best you can


I wish my dad cared about seeing his grandkids at all

What is it about that generation? None of my daughter's three grandparents seem to care about seeing their grandkid. My mom (New York State) is turning 80, has had some (diagnosed) cognitive dissonance for a while, and is of limited financial means, so I can sort of understand. Though she never even asks about her granddaughter on the phone with me. My in-laws (Indiana) just turned 70, in perfect health and financially comfortable, haven't visited in 10+ years.

Space wrote:

hutch wrote:
it’s been a tough year for everybody..everyone is going through shit so don’t be too hard on yourself and just push forward best you can


I wish my dad cared about seeing his grandkids at all

What is it about that generation? None of my daughter's three grandparents seem to care about seeing their grandkid. My mom (New York State) is turning 80, has had some (diagnosed) cognitive dissonance for a while, and is of limited financial means, so I can sort of understand. Though she never even asks about her granddaughter on the phone with me. My in-laws (Indiana) just turned 70, in perfect health and financially comfortable, haven't visited in 10+ years.

without going full psychologist on you, I'm guessing there is probably some deep seeded issues between daughter/parents and son/mom as well… If you had a good relationship with your parents, they'd probably care about your kids?

Yada wrote:

Space wrote:

hutch wrote:
it’s been a tough year for everybody..everyone is going through shit so don’t be too hard on yourself and just push forward best you can


I wish my dad cared about seeing his grandkids at all

What is it about that generation? None of my daughter's three grandparents seem to care about seeing their grandkid. My mom (New York State) is turning 80, has had some (diagnosed) cognitive dissonance for a while, and is of limited financial means, so I can sort of understand. Though she never even asks about her granddaughter on the phone with me. My in-laws (Indiana) just turned 70, in perfect health and financially comfortable, haven't visited in 10+ years.

without going full psychologist on you, I'm guessing there is probably some deep seeded issues between daughter/parents and son/mom as well… If you had a good relationship with your parents, they'd probably care about your kids?

My mom has always been a little squirrely since joining a religious fellowship group back when i was a teenager. I'll be nice and not use the c word. Since then, her allegiance has always skewed toward her fellowship group over her actual family. That said, we had a good family relationship growing up. My dad died 25 years ago, and i feel like that kind of fucked my mom up a bit. I tried to reach out, and took her on trips to Italy and Paris, and visited dutifully a couple times a year and phone her weekly.

I feel like maybe she doesn't relate and thus feels the need to keep a distance? She's not college educated, big Trump supporter, full of conspiracy theory nonsense (always has been, but more so in the last few years), anti-vaccine, small town country person who won't drive here because she's "afraid to drive on the Beltway", worried about having her "freedoms" taken away, religious in a weird non-traditional way, etc. etc.) And um, that's not me. So we don't connect on any level of deepness.

I dunno, some people just aren't kid people either, even if it's her own grandkid. (My brother had no desire to ever have kids.)

My wife has her own issues with over-religious, conservative parents as well, but she never claimed to have a good relationship with *her* parents, she only wishes she did.

Space wrote:
What is it about that generation? None of my daughter's three grandparents seem to care about seeing their grandkid.

dunno if a generational thing, likely more about individual personalities.  on my end, i can't keep the grandparents away from my kids. 

regarding your rebellious, non-conforming child: don't beat yourself up about it.  every kids is awesome in some ways, and sucks in others.  at times i get angry/depressed/etc. about some of the less-than-perfect discipline our little guys have.  as i suspect with is the case with you Space, it really gets my goat when i see my kids doing or getting away with something that i could never do as a kid.  then i remember how much i resented those rules, and how they probably didn't contribute to me becoming a better person, and try to be zen about it.  sometimes i'm successful.

Interesting conversation. I guess I'm kind of old school in the sense that I'm more in the "as long as youre living under my roof on my dime" if I want you to go visit the grandparents, you're gonna damn well visit the grandparents.* That being said everyones circumstances are different and my kids were gifted with amazing grandparents, who, in the case of my wife's parents, literally raised them with us (they provided free childcare).

*I'm not like that w every decision, but family is pretty important to myself and my wife

Julian, wrote:
Is it my partner's fault if she herself says she's willing to go "out of a sense of wanting me to be happy?" I mean, it's 90% her fault the kid is so spoiled, but isn't the blame to be laid in the kid in this instance? As kids get older, more of the blame slides off the parent onto the aging child but what particular percentage you put on each in this case, IDK.

I mean, how much can you do to "make" your kid do something that isn't in their own selfish best interest? I think you definitely have to do some. Part of living in a society is doing things not immediately in your own self interest. Part of functioning in the workforce is doing things you do not want to do. I am a huge advocate of children's rights and think we will soon be in a society that looks back on a time where we remove agency from 17 year olds under the guise they're "minors" as monstrous, but the idea a kid needs to go see their grandparent annually on their birthday is such a small ask.

That said, when i was a kid, there was not question on something like this. You did as your parents said, and you shut up about it. I think that's too far. There needs to be some balance.

Thanks to all for the conversation. Julian, if we ever meet, I owe you a beer. I used a couple of your lines within a a longer email to my wife. She agreed 100% with the email, and the next thing I knew, they were all in agreement that they would be going for the visit. Though I know my kid isn't entirely happy about it. At least she's happy that there's cake and and ice cream and maybe donuts involved.

That said, Yada is probably right that I would be better off going solo. :)

Space wrote:

Julian, wrote:
Is it my partner's fault if she herself says she's willing to go "out of a sense of wanting me to be happy?" I mean, it's 90% her fault the kid is so spoiled, but isn't the blame to be laid in the kid in this instance? As kids get older, more of the blame slides off the parent onto the aging child but what particular percentage you put on each in this case, IDK.

I mean, how much can you do to "make" your kid do something that isn't in their own selfish best interest? I think you definitely have to do some. Part of living in a society is doing things not immediately in your own self interest. Part of functioning in the workforce is doing things you do not want to do. I am a huge advocate of children's rights and think we will soon be in a society that looks back on a time where we remove agency from 17 year olds under the guise they're "minors" as monstrous, but the idea a kid needs to go see their grandparent annually on their birthday is such a small ask.

That said, when i was a kid, there was not question on something like this. You did as your parents said, and you shut up about it. I think that's too far. There needs to be some balance.

Thanks to all for the conversation. Julian, if we ever meet, I owe you a beer. I used a couple of your lines within a a longer email to my wife. She agreed 100% with the email, and the next thing I knew, they were all in agreement that they would be going for the visit. Though I know my kid isn't entirely happy about it. At least she's happy that there's cake and and ice cream and maybe donuts involved.

That said, Yada is probably right that I would be better off going solo. :)

So… you guys are both at home within a pretty close proximity and you sent her an email to discuss this topic?

So judgy

Yada wrote:

Space wrote:

Julian, wrote:
Is it my partner's fault if she herself says she's willing to go "out of a sense of wanting me to be happy?" I mean, it's 90% her fault the kid is so spoiled, but isn't the blame to be laid in the kid in this instance? As kids get older, more of the blame slides off the parent onto the aging child but what particular percentage you put on each in this case, IDK.

I mean, how much can you do to "make" your kid do something that isn't in their own selfish best interest? I think you definitely have to do some. Part of living in a society is doing things not immediately in your own self interest. Part of functioning in the workforce is doing things you do not want to do. I am a huge advocate of children's rights and think we will soon be in a society that looks back on a time where we remove agency from 17 year olds under the guise they're "minors" as monstrous, but the idea a kid needs to go see their grandparent annually on their birthday is such a small ask.

That said, when i was a kid, there was not question on something like this. You did as your parents said, and you shut up about it. I think that's too far. There needs to be some balance.

Thanks to all for the conversation. Julian, if we ever meet, I owe you a beer. I used a couple of your lines within a a longer email to my wife. She agreed 100% with the email, and the next thing I knew, they were all in agreement that they would be going for the visit. Though I know my kid isn't entirely happy about it. At least she's happy that there's cake and and ice cream and maybe donuts involved.

That said, Yada is probably right that I would be better off going solo. :)

So… you guys are both at home within a pretty close proximity and you sent her an email to discuss this topic?

She has a serious job and can't be interrupted during her workday. Which sometimes is all day and night.

I have a fake job and post on internet forums all day.

Words above not necessarily mine, nor not necessarily my own thoughts. Perhaps I overdramatize.


Also, I tend to better express myself in writing than I do in person…in spite of my sometimes nonsensical ranting on this forum. Emails sometimes get the job done better face to face, when they are actually read.

Space wrote: I used a couple of your lines within a a longer email to my wife. She agreed 100% with the email, and the next thing I knew, they were all in agreement that they would be going for the visit.

Well, this is unexpected.

hutch wrote:
So judgy

How am I judging?? He's asking for insight into his life problems, my suggestion is talking and not writing emails. But Space already explained his reasoning above.